Thursday, January 10, 2008

Jean Bean. . .

You just never know where the mind is going to take you.

Yesterday I began thinking about my childhood and how my mother would come in every night and kiss me good night. I could always smell coffee on her breath. Now when I smell coffee-breath I always feel a certain comfort.
Then that got me to thinking about my mother’s arms and how smooth they were - and still are. And my Granddaddy Earl’s bowed legs and how he kind of rocked side to side when we walked. And then I thought of my Grandmother Jennie’s hands and how I liked them, just because they were hers. Somehow all this thinking made me feel comfort. And then I got to thinking that maybe I was needing some comfort.
This time of year I grieve still. It has been almost 19 years since my Jean Bean died. She was my identical twin. My ‘other self’. I always called her Jean Bean. (She was Peggy Jean and I was (am) Nancy Jane). Anyway, I think about her everyday . Really. Every single day. They’re not sad thoughts, though, usually. Just thoughts. It’s like she’s always with me. And I often dream about her at night.
Monday was our birthday. My birthday is usually a fun day for me - because it’s my birthday . . .and yet, it is a sad day, too, because it was OUR birthday.
But you know, I wouldn’t give anything for being a twin to her. What a wonderful life I’ve had - being a twin. And the day of her funeral I ‘accidently’ woke up really early and just randomly opened the Gideon Bible in the hotel and this is what I read, ”My breath is corrupt, my days are extinct, the graves are ready for me.” Job 17:1. And I felt God hugging me so tightly.
I am so thankful for His presence. . . and for letting me be Peggy’s twin.

I just thought I’d say all that.


JRT said...

I'm glad you shared that. It's easy to forget that your b-day was more than just yours. I cannot believe it has been 19 years; cannot believe that. I am sure it has felt both terribly long at times and like a moment at other times. Thinking of you. J

laura said...

haha. yeah, i could paint, and i HAVE painted walls before, on many a high school mission trip. i just don't feel like it. i might paint it this summer when sarah moves all of her furniture out.

Elizabeth H. said...

This brought tears to my eyes... I think of her every day too. I cannot believe its been 19 years because it feels like an eternity, and just yesterday at the same time.