(Some of these are old, but they still make me laugh.)
A priest and a cab driver went to heaven.
The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house.
The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds.
The priest asked St. Peter, "Hey I was a priest, how come I don't get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?"
St. Peter said, "We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed.”
A Doctor and a lawyer loved the same girl. The Doctor gave her a rose daily and the lawyer gave the girl an apple.
The girl got confused and asked the lawyer, "There is a meaning in giving rose in love. Why are you giving me an apple?"
The lawyer answered: Because, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
This patient runs into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam, no I think I'm a tepee, no I think I'm a wigwam!"
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "You're too tents!”
No one knew she had a dental implant, until it came out in conversation.
The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds’.”
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
I hope these made you at least smile today!